Season 1, Episode 1: Get Away from My Mom


"I'm gonna go on a date." -Paula
"You're going on...?" -Brendon
"Yup." -Paula
"I remember... you were supposed to do that? I thought that what you do is NOT do that." -Brendon

"Nice sandbox, pal. I'm kidding, no, it's a... aren't you too old to be playing in a sandbox?" -Eric
"I'm not playing, though, I'm sitting in a sandbox. This is where I come to reflect on things." -Brendon

"I like that. I feel strangely, like, cheered up by your playing. It's a new awkward feeling that I'm gonna have to deal with." -Brendon
"I'm like a minstrel, I guess." -Eric

"How come we're in a France?" -Jason
"'Cause that's where dramatic things take place." -Brendon

"If you got a baby-sitter who... and they do a good job, and the kids like it, then I think it makes the mother look bad. I dunno if this is, like, the most self-centered way I could think of it, I'm not sure. Are there the same rules with the baby-sitter as there are when you go on a date? Are the baby-sitters supposed to call up the next day and say it was really great? Yeah. Yeah, no one called after that date. The waiter called. Apparently I forgot my hat. I did have a bad time but... not that's it, I did have a bad time. He's beefy. But I think I would feel better if he did want to, sure." -Paula

"I want you to know that everything is fine. We can continue to have a good relationship on the soccer-field. I want to make sure that we have a great season this year even though that's not gonna happen 'cause no one can play soccer on our team. And I realize it's a conflict of interest for me. I shouldn't be dating any of the players' moms. Except Rebecca's mom. She came to practice last night... but I'm not gonna call her. I thought about it, but then I knew what happened with your mom was wrong, and I said, 'Y'know what...' Well, I did call her, but I'm not gonna follow up on it, because that would be wrong." -Coach McGuirk

"Oh, wow, this whole sport's out of order!" -Brendon

"Brendon was telling me, um, you and coach went out on a date. Is that true?" -Eric
"Yeah." -Paula
"Well, I... it's certainly none of my business, but he seemed kinda rattled by the whole thing." -Eric
"The coach?" -Paula
"No. Brendon." -Eric
"I think of all three of us, I handled it the best." -Paula

"Play Freebird!" -Brendon
"Don't encourage him." -Melissa
"And get away from my mom!" -Brendon


Written by Brendon Small, Loren Bouchard, H. Jon Benjamin, Paula Poundstone, Melissa Bardin Galsky, Additional writing by Tom Snyder, Holly Schlesinger, Holly Kretschmar, Directed by Loren Bouchard

Cast Brendon Small, Paula Poundstone, H. Jon Benjamin, Melissa Bardin Galsky.